So alot of things have affected me more then I thought they would during the events of the past month. One of them is how ugly I've let my heart get. We've given ourselves alot of slack in various things. (decided that things like entertainment budget, healthy eating, exercise, etc. just aren't worth stressing over right now). We needed to. We even now regularly break one of old rules (no tv in bed). Nighttime is really rough for us so for the past month we have regularly brought the laptop downstairs w/ us. We watch something ridiculous & stupid before we fall asleep. I've even used it to fall asleep(never used to fall asleep to the tv). However I'm starting to see that there is one thing I've given myself way too much slack on: emotional control. I've always been an emotional person. I've started some ridiculous fights over something stupid b/c I'm moody. When we got married I used to say that that was just the way I was. Ian really corrected me that area & although it's far from a completed work I've really grown in that area. Been working on taking my thoughts captive & realizing that just b/c I feel someway doesn't mean I have to let that feeling stay there. But not lately. Now I just let my thoughts go wherever I want. I get so easily frustrated at stupid things & I pick fights w/ people I love. I think that I deserve to feel angry & mad right now. I don't really know how to be mad at God b/c (1.) He's not tangible & (2.) Even though I'm hurt & angry I still do believe that He's in control & that He is good. Not sure if that means He has my best intrest at heart ... sometimes I think that maybe these awful things that happen in life aren't always about us at all but about something or someone else. Maybe God is using this to teach us something or maybe He's using it for His glory in some random way that I will never see or understand. Regardless those things make it hard to be truly angry at God. Especially the part about Him being intangible. I mean how are you supposed to hurt God? So I get mad at people who I can hurt. People who are close to me. I just caught myself the other day ... I'm scared of the person that I am turing into. So I still think it's okay to give myself slack in alot of areas of my life. However this is not one of those areas. So if you think about it please pray for me & my family in this area. I'm struggling here.
Right now I am just so grateful for a husband who is willing to call me out on sin even when we're both hurting & grieving. I'm grateful for friends who just listen to me scream & rant when I'm hurting. And I'm grateful for a Savior who never lets me go.
Psalm 139
Even before a word is on my tongue behold O Lord you know it altogether. You hem me in behind & before & lay your hand upson me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven you are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even then your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?
So it's been awhile since I last updated this. Guess I'm not a hardcore blogger. :-P
Just wanted to share what was going on with our family right now. For those of you who don't know, our daughter Colette Joy Huff died at 37 weeks old (almost 38). I delivered her on November 17th after we found out that she had passed away. Worst day of our lives. It all just seems so wrong. Our house which used to seem so busy & full with one kid now seems empty b/c we know that we're missing one of our babies. We were so excited for this time of year ... so excited to meet our little baby who we had awaited so anxiously. Now everything just seems horrible. Even when we're able to successfully distract ourselves for awhile then it will hit us again that our baby is gone & we'll just break down. However we've kinda built a wall around our grief & so it's getting easier to be normal & just keep that hurt walled off. As we're able to deal w/ it we let a little out at a time. So life is starting to resume to normal even though we know this will never really fully heal.
All things considered we're doing okay. (The other day I got asked how I was doing by someone I didn't know super well .... didn't know how to respond b/c I didn't think he really wanted to hear all the gory details of my day). We're okay but we're not okay. Honestly it depends on when you ask the questions. One minute we can't stop crying & the next minute we're okay. It comes in waves. We really appreciate all of the notes & the texts & facebook posts. We're not always good about responding to people right now but know that you are appreciated. It's nice just knowing that our friends are there for us, loving on us.
Just wanted to share some of our thoughts (this is from an email Ian sent out):
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After Colette was born we both just held her in our arms and cried for hours. She's been my daughter since the day she was conceived and any type of miscarriage would have devastated us, but losing her full term made this part particularly bad. Her skin was white and flaky and had started to peel a bit since she had now been dead for more than a day. But aside from that she just seemed so real, healthy and beautiful. Since what happened to her happened suddenly it's just so hard to think that if we had preterm labor of some type she could have just been born and we would have her home now instead of all this.
After having her taken away to sleep for a few hours we had her back in the morning to hold and say goodbye to (this is when we had our friends over to take the pictures with). It was really hard to hold her again, but it struck us even more this morning that the body that we were holding was not Colette. She'd already moved on to be with the Lord some time ago, and while we liked the chance to hold her at least once this was just the shell here that was left. Still it was really hard to finally turn her over to the nurses, we took care of all our discharge and packing so that the last thing that we did was turn over Colette and walk out the door.
In the couple of days after we just swung wildly between total grief and utter denial. There were just too many things that would set us off (Take-home outfits to repack, cremation forms to sign, "I'm a big sister now" books for Molly, Liz's milk coming in) and the only way that we could live life at all was to just pretend like this had never happened, that it was just a horrible dream and that we were just a family of three like we had always been. During these times we were really blessed by prayers, helpful hands (Liz's mom and others) and messages from people that we loved. Now we are getting to the point that we can still be grieving, but functional. A little more able to face reality while not just falling apart totally.
The only real assurance during all this is knowing that the Lord loved our daughter and that while we don't understand why we only got 37 weeks with her we know that he's now looking after her until Liz and I can get there to see her. I was always afraid that something like this would shake my faith, but it was just impossible to hold Colette's body, to look at her and to think that she was just some type of unlucky animal that didn't get a chance at life. What she was was a beautiful daughter of God and even though I don't know why things had to happen this way and I might scream at God for understanding I don't scream to ask if he is there or if Colette is safe with him, because I know that answer is yes to both of those, now more than ever.
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I don't understand why this happened but I do believe that God is good & that He is in perfect control of this situation. However as strongly as I believe that I am really struggling w/ it right now. I just don't understand. My Bible is comforting to me but not in the normal sense of comfort. I've been reading through the end of Job lately. (Job 38- 42 " Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements -- surely you know! ... Then Job answered the Lord and said: I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have uttered that I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Just wanted to share what was going on with our family right now. For those of you who don't know, our daughter Colette Joy Huff died at 37 weeks old (almost 38). I delivered her on November 17th after we found out that she had passed away. Worst day of our lives. It all just seems so wrong. Our house which used to seem so busy & full with one kid now seems empty b/c we know that we're missing one of our babies. We were so excited for this time of year ... so excited to meet our little baby who we had awaited so anxiously. Now everything just seems horrible. Even when we're able to successfully distract ourselves for awhile then it will hit us again that our baby is gone & we'll just break down. However we've kinda built a wall around our grief & so it's getting easier to be normal & just keep that hurt walled off. As we're able to deal w/ it we let a little out at a time. So life is starting to resume to normal even though we know this will never really fully heal.
All things considered we're doing okay. (The other day I got asked how I was doing by someone I didn't know super well .... didn't know how to respond b/c I didn't think he really wanted to hear all the gory details of my day). We're okay but we're not okay. Honestly it depends on when you ask the questions. One minute we can't stop crying & the next minute we're okay. It comes in waves. We really appreciate all of the notes & the texts & facebook posts. We're not always good about responding to people right now but know that you are appreciated. It's nice just knowing that our friends are there for us, loving on us.
Just wanted to share some of our thoughts (this is from an email Ian sent out):
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After Colette was born we both just held her in our arms and cried for hours. She's been my daughter since the day she was conceived and any type of miscarriage would have devastated us, but losing her full term made this part particularly bad. Her skin was white and flaky and had started to peel a bit since she had now been dead for more than a day. But aside from that she just seemed so real, healthy and beautiful. Since what happened to her happened suddenly it's just so hard to think that if we had preterm labor of some type she could have just been born and we would have her home now instead of all this.
After having her taken away to sleep for a few hours we had her back in the morning to hold and say goodbye to (this is when we had our friends over to take the pictures with). It was really hard to hold her again, but it struck us even more this morning that the body that we were holding was not Colette. She'd already moved on to be with the Lord some time ago, and while we liked the chance to hold her at least once this was just the shell here that was left. Still it was really hard to finally turn her over to the nurses, we took care of all our discharge and packing so that the last thing that we did was turn over Colette and walk out the door.
In the couple of days after we just swung wildly between total grief and utter denial. There were just too many things that would set us off (Take-home outfits to repack, cremation forms to sign, "I'm a big sister now" books for Molly, Liz's milk coming in) and the only way that we could live life at all was to just pretend like this had never happened, that it was just a horrible dream and that we were just a family of three like we had always been. During these times we were really blessed by prayers, helpful hands (Liz's mom and others) and messages from people that we loved. Now we are getting to the point that we can still be grieving, but functional. A little more able to face reality while not just falling apart totally.
The only real assurance during all this is knowing that the Lord loved our daughter and that while we don't understand why we only got 37 weeks with her we know that he's now looking after her until Liz and I can get there to see her. I was always afraid that something like this would shake my faith, but it was just impossible to hold Colette's body, to look at her and to think that she was just some type of unlucky animal that didn't get a chance at life. What she was was a beautiful daughter of God and even though I don't know why things had to happen this way and I might scream at God for understanding I don't scream to ask if he is there or if Colette is safe with him, because I know that answer is yes to both of those, now more than ever.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't understand why this happened but I do believe that God is good & that He is in perfect control of this situation. However as strongly as I believe that I am really struggling w/ it right now. I just don't understand. My Bible is comforting to me but not in the normal sense of comfort. I've been reading through the end of Job lately. (Job 38- 42 " Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements -- surely you know! ... Then Job answered the Lord and said: I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have uttered that I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
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