Ugliness

So alot of things have affected me more then I thought they would during the events of the past month. One of them is how ugly I've let my heart get. We've given ourselves alot of slack in various things. (decided that things like entertainment budget, healthy eating, exercise, etc. just aren't worth stressing over right now). We needed to. We even now regularly break one of old rules (no tv in bed). Nighttime is really rough for us so for the past month we have regularly brought the laptop downstairs w/ us. We watch something ridiculous & stupid before we fall asleep. I've even used it to fall asleep(never used to fall asleep to the tv). However I'm starting to see that there is one thing I've given myself way too much slack on: emotional control. I've always been an emotional person. I've started some ridiculous fights over something stupid b/c I'm moody. When we got married I used to say that that was just the way I was. Ian really corrected me that area & although it's far from a completed work I've really grown in that area. Been working on taking my thoughts captive & realizing that just b/c I feel someway doesn't mean I have to let that feeling stay there. But not lately. Now I just let my thoughts go wherever I want. I get so easily frustrated at stupid things & I pick fights w/ people I love. I think that I deserve to feel angry & mad right now. I don't really know how to be mad at God b/c (1.) He's not tangible & (2.) Even though I'm hurt & angry I still do believe that He's in control & that He is good. Not sure if that means He has my best intrest at heart ... sometimes I think that maybe these awful things that happen in life aren't always about us at all but about something or someone else. Maybe God is using this to teach us something or maybe He's using it for His glory in some random way that I will never see or understand. Regardless those things make it hard to be truly angry at God. Especially the part about Him being intangible. I mean how are you supposed to hurt God? So I get mad at people who I can hurt. People who are close to me. I just caught myself the other day ... I'm scared of the person that I am turing into. So I still think it's okay to give myself slack in alot of areas of my life. However this is not one of those areas. So if you think about it please pray for me & my family in this area. I'm struggling here.

Right now I am just so grateful for a husband who is willing to call me out on sin even when we're both hurting & grieving. I'm grateful for friends who just listen to me scream & rant when I'm hurting. And I'm grateful for a Savior who never lets me go.

Psalm 139
Even before a word is on my tongue behold O Lord you know it altogether. You hem me in behind & before & lay your hand upson me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven you are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even then your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.